Chasing Rainbows

I’ve wanted to do a pride post for a while, but I didn’t want it to be political or controversial. That’s not the purpose of my blog. My blog has always been a place for me to share my experience with grief. So, here goes a part I haven’t talked much about. Ever since losing Luke, I can’t stop looking up at the sky. I’m mesmerized by the clouds, stars, the moon and anything that’s up there. I could sit and stare at them for hours. Sometimes I wonder if my boy is up there. Heaven seems so far away. Grief changes everything. You look at everything a little differently. Clouds and stars have always been there, but I look at them with longing now, with an appreciation and wonder I didn’t have before. Their meaning has changed for me. It’s more personal now. I have a small decorative wood sign that sits on my mantle that says “Never stop chasing rainbows.” I love it because to me it speaks to following your dreams, finding happiness, and living life with joy and passion. I love that message. But if you look up the phrase “chasing rainbows,” you’ll find it’s an idiom with a negative connotation meaning someone who wastes their time in pursuit of unrealistic or unachievable goals. That does not sound desirable. Does it mean there could be more than one meaning depending on how you look at it? I think so. Rainbows have taken on new meaning for me in the last few years. They have always been beautiful and awe-inspiring, and not just to me. Rainbows have significance to many different groups of people. For Christians and Jews, they are a sign of a covenant that God made with Noah and all the people of the earth after the great flood. It is symbolic of God’s love and grace. There’s also the term “rainbow baby” which is a baby born after the loss of a baby. It’s a beautiful symbol of hope for that family. When a beloved pet dies, they are said to have crossed the Rainbow Bridge, a beautiful place where they go to wait to be reunited with their owners. Rainbow Connection is a song sung by Kermit the Frog in The Muppet Movie. (I put that in as a joke, but actually, if you look up the lyrics, they’re pretty profound.) The rainbow flag has become an important unifying symbol to the LGBTQ+ community and each year during the month of June, you’ll see it displayed everywhere. The common thread in all of these meanings behind the rainbow to me is hope– hope in God’s promises, hope in the future, and hope in our common humanity. So, June is Pride Month and I suppose I could write an essay about that and share the history and why it came about. I do think it’s worthwhile to understand this. But instead, I will just speak from my own perspective and a little from Luke’s perspective. When Luke worked at Walmart, he wore a little rainbow pin on his vest that said “equality.” It was important to him that all people be treated equally and with respect. That’s what the rainbow meant to him. It was personal to him. He was gay. Though he knew he was gay from the time he was very young, he was still very cautious about who he shared that with even up until his death. His desire to be accepted by his friends and family, be a part of his religious community, fit in with his peers, and to live authentically were all things he was trying to reconcile and navigate. I am ashamed to admit I didn’t fully understand this struggle. When Luke went into treatment for severe depression and struggled with suicidal feelings, my husband started doing more to learn about the experience of LGBTQ+ people. He shared those things with me. Our understanding and empathy increased tenfold, even though we felt like very loving and understanding people already. Maybe you feel that way too. I had to do some soul-searching and heart-changing. To be clear, as we have stated before, Luke did not suddenly become suicidal because he was gay. Being gay was a fact of his life that he knew about ever since he could remember. He was open with us about it ever since he was a teenager. It was not new. Severe depression was new and came on for the first time in the last few months of his life. Despite getting him into intensive treatment and his own efforts to get better, he ultimately lost his life to the disease. However, we know that being gay was a factor that added a layer of complication to his life. No doubt about that. For these last few years spent without him, I have often thought about what more we could have done. I am comforted to know that we did our best and the professionals working with him did their best. I know depression is a complicated disease of the brain. Many of us will experience mental health challenges in our lives, but our LGBTQ+ family and friends experience it at much higher rates. Understanding this, understanding their struggles, is vital to their well-being. It doesn’t cost us anything to be kind. Kindness will not cure mental illness, but it will make their lives easier while they deal with the complexities of their lives, often complexities that their own closest loved ones do not understand and will not take the time to learn about. Some think God will judge these people. I say, let Him, and you just show love. The rainbow flags are flying and you don’t understand why? Maybe consider that to them, and to Luke, it represents treating others with love, equality, and respect. They may be chasing rainbows to hope that one day they will feel that from their fellow humans. I’ll chase that rainbow with them. All the meanings of the rainbow are beautiful to me. They are a common beacon of hope and beauty and love. I see them now in ways I never did before. And I hope I never stop chasing them.