In Progress


I found an old blog post that I started to write but never finished. It was written in May of this year. Fittingly, I gave it the title “Grief in Progress.” I love that it’s half-written. If that doesn’t explain grief perfectly, I don’t know what does. Here is that half-written blog post and then some brief thoughts at the end:


Grief in Progress


One of my favorite quotes is “You are allowed to be both a masterpiece and a work in progress, simultaneously” by Sophia Bush. It’s how I feel about myself, my children, and motherhood in general. I’m proud of my family and our life and accomplishments, and I also have regrets and failures and disappointments, as well as goals that are still unrealized. We’re not done yet. 


I have spent the last 4 ½ years in this space called grief and grieving. It’s been a journey with many ups and downs. I’ve learned that grief never ends. It changes and you change, but there will never be a point where I will take a deep breath and say, “I’m glad that journey is now over.” 


It continues because Luke continues to be gone. I continue to miss him. I continue to be his mom and think about him. This year many of his friends are graduating college. It’s been 4 years since he would have graduated high school. My auto-correct didn’t like that last sentence. I guess it thinks the grammar is off as it suggested “he graduated” instead of “would have graduated.”. Right?! Exactly! Luke should be graduating college this year, but he isn’t. He forever now would have graduated, would have gone on to graduate school, would have been in many performances that we would have watched, would have been home for holidays and breaks. Even the computer knows something isn’t right. My heart knows it even more. 


Mental illness came into our lives and wrecked everything. Depression is an illness. It can be fatal just like any illness. Much like a tornado, you don’t know which house it will hit or how bad the damage will be. For us it was catastrophic. We are rebuilding. We continue to live even as we grieve. We continue to love Luke from afar. 


........................................................................................................................................................................


Fast forward a few months and we are now on the eve of the 5-year anniversary. Yes, grief is still in progress, but so is healing. I looked up the phrase in progress and got this definition: “If something is in progress, it has started and is still continuing.” That is exactly how I feel at the 5-year mark. I love Luke and will continue to love him. I grieve Luke and will continue to grieve him. I am healing from all that we’ve been through and will continue to heal. I am a work in progress, and I’m okay with that.


Comments

  1. AnonymousNovember 18, 2024 at 2:57 PM

    My dear Krista, I recognize this grief and even after 24. Years of my loss, I still feel the pain and anguish of grief. Sometimes around holidays and special occasions the grief rises to an explosive level, but I try to imagine my reunion with Jim and know I will see him again with spiritual eyes. Yes, I too I’m a work in progress……May the Lord bless us both and help us endure to the end.

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    1. Krista EvansNovember 22, 2024 at 9:46 PM

      Thank you for your comment. I appreciate the wisdom and insight of those who have been on this path much longer than I have. Sending love and prayers to you!

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