The Luke I Will Always Remember

I’m not sure I have ever heard or paid attention to the term “angel anniversary” until the day of the visitation at the funeral home.  A sweet friend came through the line to see us and give her condolences and mentioned that we now have an angel. She explained that the day they died is the angel anniversary because it’s the day they became an angel. I loved that thought. Luke was our angel! 

On this eve of the second angel anniversary, I want to share some thoughts about my angel Luke and describe the Luke that I knew, the Luke that was before mental illness took over. The Luke I will always remember. 

When Luke was just a year old, he fell on a toy and hurt his leg. He had been walking for a month, but after this fall, he stopped walking and cried any time he put weight on his leg. I took him to the doctor and they did an x-ray. It wasn’t broken, but did show up as a deep bone bruise on the x-ray. The doctor said it would heal just fine. Luke tried walking again a few times, but quickly decided he didn’t like the pain and reverted back to crawling. This went on for weeks and I started to worry that he showed no desire to walk anymore. I wondered if this was part of his personality, that perhaps he was a more timid child or that he might be fearful to try new things. He did start walking again on his own, and as the years went by, we learned that he was definitely not timid or fearful, and trying new things was what he loved best. 

At the age of 4, he had the opportunity to give a short talk in his children’s class at church. He told his favorite Bible story, the story of Shadraq, Meshach and Abednego. He stood in front of the group and gave the most animated, adorable talk you ever saw. He loved the part of the story where they were in the fire but were not burned and told it quite dramatically. The teachers were so impressed that when it came time to have the annual Primary Program at church (where the children present to the entire congregation on what they have learned throughout the year), Luke was asked if he would share his talk. Usually young children are only asked to say a few words, but they felt Luke could handle more. He marched up to the podium and spoke clearly into the microphone and recited the entire talk with the same confident delivery. Greg went to work the next day and overheard someone talking about an adorable little boy who gave the cutest talk in church about Shadraq, Meshach and Abednego. Greg said, “That was my son!” Quite a proud parent moment. Luke was such a character. 

At the age of ten, his middle school held the annual poetry slam, one of my favorite events to watch. All the 5th grade students had to choose a poem and memorize it and recite it in front of the entire school, parents, and judges. Luke chose a funny poem about a fictional roller coaster called “The Discombobulator.” To his absolute astonishment having never recited poetry in his life, he won first place at the poetry slam! Incidentally, we chose to have this poem read at his funeral. While not a traditional choice of literature for a funeral, I loved it because it represented so much that I love about Luke—his sense of adventure, sense of humor, and fearlessness in the face of new experiences. 

Luke jumped at the chance to be in his school talent shows. From elementary to middle school to high school, he played his best piano piece and always wowed the audience. He also participated in every solo and ensemble contest he could at the high school level. He played the cello. One friend needed a piano accompanist and he did that too, fitting it in between his own performances. He played every chance he got at church as well, both piano and cello. The boy loved to perform! He tended to pick pieces that were just a smidge above his level, and never played them quite perfectly, which frustrated him, but that’s another thing I loved about him—sheer ambition and drive and passion. 

Luke always wanted to be where the action was. If he was invited to something, he made a way to be there. If he was asked to help out with something, he made sure he was there. It didn’t matter if it was a church youth activity, a party with friends, a service project, or to be part of a musical performance, Luke wouldn’t miss it. He was invited to prom his sophomore year by a friend, and of course, he wanted to go. When he realized he was away from mom and dad and had a chance to drive a car for the first time, when he had neither a license nor a permit or had ever driven before, he somehow convinced the group to let him drive around our neighborhood. That’s my fearless boy. I wasn’t super happy when I found out about that, but I was also not totally surprised at both his persuasive skills and also his desire and ability to do something he had never done and do it well. 

Luke was brilliant in school as well. He took all the hard classes and did well. Even during times of severe anxiety, which he had a few times during his high school years and affected his ability to concentrate, he still maintained straight A’s. I was amazed after he went into intensive treatment for depression at the beginning of his senior year, a very difficult year academically, and missed 2 full weeks of school, that he picked right up where he left off and got back on track quickly, his grades never suffering. He truly amazed me in so many ways. 

He was difficult too, especially toward the end of his life. Only now do I see how much the illness affected him and took its toll. Our relationship had become strained. He became darker in a lot of ways. But yet, his light was still in there. Even in his worst moments, he had a tender, sensitive side.

A touching story that will forever be embedded in my memory is one of him sitting in the hospital in September 2019 after an attempt on his life required medical care. That was a dark time. He barely spoke to us in the hospital. He was in pain, physical and emotional. I think he was also scared. While I sat there in silence with him, outside his room, a little girl, maybe 8 years old, bald head like it had been shaved, was being rushed down the hall in a wheelchair. She was screaming in pain and a nurse was trying to calm her down and reassure her it would be ok. I assumed she was going into emergency surgery or something. Perhaps she was a cancer patient. Luke looked at her and looked at me with the biggest sad eyes filled with compassion for her. I could feel his concern for a girl he didn’t even know and would never see again. He didn’t want her to be in pain.

That’s Luke’s heart. I loved him in that moment and it was easy to forget where I was and what had happened and all of the distance between us. I saw the old Luke. The Luke who loved people and loved life and didn’t want to to be hurting and didn’t want anyone else to hurt. My fun-loving, adventurous, beautiful Luke. That’s the Luke I will remember, the real Luke. That’s the Luke we will see again.