Not Your Typical Anniversary Post

My blog is called Evans Daily Griefing in part because a lot of the other clever names I thought of were already in use in some form. For example, For the Love of Luke was an early favorite, but I found out it is a novel in the gay fiction thriller genre. I found the connection amusing as my son was gay and I sometimes feel like my life is a horrible version of a fiction thriller. However, not the vibe I was going for in my grief blog. 😁 I ended up going with Evans Daily Griefing. I knew I wouldn’t write daily, but my grief is daily and I wanted to occasionally just give a briefing on where I am at in my grief. Today is one of those days.

Today is our 24th wedding anniversary. We are at 13 months since Luke’s passing. I normally do a facebook post on our anniversary and put up a picture of us from that year with some thoughtful comments about our life together. Sometimes sentimental, sometimes funny, depending on my mood. Enter grief. I don’t feel like it today. I know everyone would say nice things and I always appreciate seeing all your sweet comments. I just wasn’t feeling it today. Plus, the only picture I could find of just the two of us in this entire year was one of us visiting Luke’s grave. We are holding onto each other and giving our best effort at a smile. I guess that's a pretty good sum up of our year. 

I had similar feelings on my birthday this year. I normally love my birthday. I love whatever special thing my husband and kids plan, and it doesn’t have to be elaborate, but simple things like decorations and cards and little gifts. I love hearing from lots of friends and family. All of those things were done this year as normal, but it felt so much emptier than before. 

Empty is a good way to describe my feelings. A lot of things that used to fill me up and fill my cup now feel a little empty. So we had Christmas and then today is our anniversary. There is an emptiness along with the obligatory ceremonious celebrations. There is a feeling of nothing mattering quite as much as it used to because Luke is gone and no family event can ever feel complete again. It is hard to separate out the joy from the pain. Our anniversary is the celebration of our love and marriage. My son was a product of that and now he’s gone. So it’s hard to celebrate. At 13 months since Luke’s passing, some would expect I’d feel better by now. Others would say I’m still early on in my journey. The latter are the ones who have been there and who know and I tend to take comfort in their counsel the most. I still feel early in this journey and I have not yet felt normal celebrating anything. 

But here’s what I can and do celebrate. Happiness for me right now comes in little spurts. Happiness just hits me and I am learning to savor those moments, however small or fleeting. One was Christmas Eve. We did all the traditions and most felt a little empty to me, and then at the end of the night after driving around looking at Christmas lights, we got out of the car and the flurries of snow were blowing across the road, the flakes were large and getting in our hair and eyes. The streetlight was bright in contrast to the dark night sky and it highlighted the glittering shimmering snow in a way that was so beautiful to me. So satisfying. So cold and yet so refreshing with the snow and wind whipping my face. I didn’t want to go inside. I loved that moment. I felt happy. 

I was at the doctor for a physical recently. I was nervous. Going to doctor appointments, dentist appointments, eye doctor appointments, are all things I’ve avoided, partly because of Covid, but also because small talk is really hard for me. So, at the appointment, I noticed the nurse was someone I hadn’t seen in a few years and she was a nurse I really liked. She was always so upbeat and friendly. I don’t know why it made me so happy to see her name tag. I had to ask her if she was the same person because the mask and face shield made it hard to recognize her. I felt genuinely happy to discover it was her. 

Shopping for Christmas presents was not very fun this year, similar to last year, but in a different way. Last year I was in a fog and state of shock. I could write a whole post on that bizarre and out of body experience. So this year was definitely easier than that, but still that feeling of emptiness lingers with me when I’m out and about. So, one day I was at Walmart looking for wrapping paper and none of it was speaking to me. You wouldn’t think wrapping paper could be offensive or insensitive, but lots of it says JOY and PEACE and all these feelings I’m not feeling, so when I saw Peanuts-themed wrapping paper, I knew I needed it. I love Charlie Brown and the whole Peanuts gang. So that made me super happy. 

I also did a cactus theme for a lot of gifts this year. Cactuses make me happy too, maybe because my daughter is currently in Arizona, but they’ve always intrigued me. They are ugly and weird and thrive in terrible conditions and will hurt you if you touch them. This fascinates me. So, we were running out of Peanuts wrapping paper and I found myself at Walmart again a few days before Christmas searching for non-offensive wrapping paper and imagine my delight when I found cactus-themed Christmas wrapping paper! Totally brought me feelings of joy for an entire day. 

So, that’s how I’m getting through the seasons of life lately. I’m recognizing the moments that bring me joy, bring me a smile, and I try to feel them for as long as I can. They are small and fleeting, but so nice. The grief is always there. I don’t have to look for it. It’s not nice. But the worst of it comes in spurts too, often unexpected. So I’m learning to accept that for now my life, like a gay fiction thriller novel, will have many twists and turns and unpredictable moments of both joy and pain.