Little Did I Know

Seven months later and I still feel like it’s not real. This stuff doesn’t happen to normal families. We are a normal family! Well, ok, not totally. I literally had a wall hanging that said “Remember, as far as everyone is concerned we are a nice *normal* family.” It was funny. I loved it. I’ve since thrown it away. Not funny anymore. My life has changed so much in a year. 

If you had asked me a little over a year ago what my biggest worries would be in 2020, I would have guessed having a daughter living on her own for the first time, navigating missionary life and adulthood. Or perhaps a son graduating high school and what his college plans would be and how strange it would be in such a short amount of time to have two of our four children out of our home. 

That thought is what made us decide to throw together a last minute spring break trip. We knew it might be our last time with all of us all together, at least for a while. We went to our favorite place in Florida and enjoyed a week together in the sun and on the beach, watching movies at night and sitting on the balcony in the morning staring out at the peaceful ocean as we ate our breakfast. Many of us had been very busy with school, work and other activities, so this was a much needed break from all of that and it felt so nice to soak in the beauty of the surroundings and forget about everything else. It was a little bit of heaven even if for only a few days. Little did I know that would be the last family vacation we would ever take with all six of us.

A few weeks later we were frantically preparing for our oldest to graduate high school. We hadn’t gotten her senior pictures done yet. We hadn’t gotten her graduation announcements done yet because I didn’t have a picture to use. I found a friend who did photography as a hobby who agreed to do her pictures for us. I decided it had been too long since we had had family pictures done, so we lined up those at the same time. It had been a typical Indiana spring, raining nearly every day, so we waited for a nice day and for all our busy schedules to line up so we could get this done. Finally, a Sunday evening in May was our best chance, so we took it. We were supposed to be at a church meeting for the youth for an upcoming youth conference. My youngest daughter was upset to be missing that and quite emphatically let her opinion be known. I insisted that the family come first and this was important. She pouted, but did as we asked. We went to a local park where the trees were bursting with spring colors. Other than being cold and a bit windy, it was perfect. Little did I know that would be our last family pictures we would ever have of the six of us.

If you had asked me a year ago if I thought my son would be coming up to the worst year of his life and that he wouldn’t make it through, I would have thought it preposterous. He was coming out of the best few months he had ever had. He joined the winter percussion with the band, even though he technically wasn’t part of the band. He was a cellist in the school orchestra, although he had done jazz band and show choir band on the side the year before. If he had his way, he would have learned every instrument. Since he played piano, the band director gave him a part on the keyboard with a very difficult solo piece that would be featured. This excited Luke and he decided to do it. He did a fantastic job. They all did. He really loved being part of this group. The school year was coming to a close on a high note. Little did I know that high note would be one of the last. 

Just a few short months later, our world came crashing down. We had just put our house on the market and were hoping to sell it and downsize. There was a daughter who was leaving for an extended mission trip, part of it being in Mexico. There were preparations to be made, passports and packing. Then, what we didn’t anticipate - Luke’s mental health decline, a suicide attempt, psychological evaluations, getting into a treatment center, discussions with the school counselor and other counselors, family group therapy. We were new to this life. It wasn’t the timing I wanted. It wasn’t ever what I wanted, but especially not now. Not with his sister leaving. Not with our house being on the market and having showings. Not with other children who also had activities and lives and needs. 

It was such a blur and yet I had to keep going. A friend of mine had daughters on the cross country team with my freshman daughter. She agreed to take her home every day after practice. Our youngest child was in soccer and we were usually able to get him to his practices and games. We wanted to keep life as normal as possible for our other children. Our oldest had a car and thankfully was able to drive herself to work. At this point Luke was in treatment and the drive was 40 minutes one way. I sometimes could arrange for my husband to pick Luke up, but it was a nightmare for our schedules. I had to decline a showing once because I couldn’t make it work. I had one child coming home from practice, another leaving for a practice, Luke coming home and my oldest  leaving for work, and we had to eat at some point. No, I couldn’t do a showing. It was  too much. I had heard people say, “Never turn down a showing!” I wondered if that was the showing that could have sold the house. 

We never did sell the house. We had to take it off the market after our son passed away in November. We wanted to have some peace over the holidays and through the winter. I thought maybe early in the spring we would try again. That’s what I imagined. Little did I know in the midst of our grief a worldwide pandemic would come and disrupt our lives even more. 

So, no, if you had asked me one year ago if I dreamed this would be my life now, I never would have imagined. Not in a million years.