Conversation with Luke

This week marks another anniversary, four years. I’ve been a little depressed about it. Every year that goes by is another year that we have not seen Luke, talked to him, had him physically in our presence. Time does not fix that. In fact, it makes it more sad to me. 

So, I went for a run this week. I use the word run somewhat loosely. It’s more of a light jog. But I do a lot of thinking when I run. I find it an excellent, though somewhat torturous, way to clear my mind and sort my thoughts. Sometimes I plan what I want to think about or work through, and other times I have no agenda and my thoughts just lead me along. Either way, I usually end up feeling better and more enlightened as a result. Sometimes I just feel like I could pass out. Is this the runner's high people talk about? 😉

My run this week was different. I started thinking about all we have experienced this year. It was an eventful year with lots of life changes and milestones. I just started talking to Luke about it all. It went something like this:

Luke, I can’t believe four years have gone by without you. So much has changed! This year was a big one. Can you believe Kate got married?! You would have loved being there for all of it. Kate and Tristan are big Star Wars fans, like you. They even did a lightsaber duel at the reception! You would have been all over that. Maybe Kate would have had you play your Star Wars medley on the piano. And Ryan, who shies away from being in the spotlight, would have loved for you to take his place as a groomsman. You would have gladly done it. 

Ryan, our little baby, is a freshman in high school now! You would be so proud of him, Luke. He earned a varsity letter in cross country this year. He switched from soccer to running last year and he’s really good. I know you would have been at every meet cheering him on if you could have, like you were at most of his soccer games. Also, you wouldn’t believe how much Ryan sounds like you. His voice and his laugh are identical to yours. I would love to hear the two of you playing video games together, something I know you would both be doing if you were here. 

Bryn graduated high school and is almost done with her first semester of college! I know if you were here, you guys would hang out together and talk about college stuff and you would help her with her homework and give her advice. She could always count on you for stuff like that. And you would have loved her art pieces that she created this last year. She pours her heart into everything she does like you did. You would no doubt encourage her to keep doing art. 

You would be proud of us, Luke. We’ve changed and grown so much. We have had a hard time without you, harder than I could have ever imagined, but we’re doing well and trying to keep your memory alive. You are a part of everything we do. I still sometimes can’t believe you’re gone. I would give anything to go to one of your concerts or performances. I know you’d have a full schedule. Maybe you’d be doing a senior recital this year? You know we'd be in the front row cheering you on like you always did for us. 

As I ran through the scattered fall leaves on the ground and looked at the colors on the trees, some already having lost all their leaves hinting that winter is almost here, I’m reminded of this horrible time of year when Luke went downhill so fast and ended up leaving us. But it’s also so beautiful this time of year and I’m reminded that beauty and happiness can exist in the midst of tragedy and despair. It’s all wrapped into one sometimes, unfortunately. Luke knew that all too well. I’m grateful for the positive influence he was in this family and still continues to be. I know he would be proud of us, and for this week, that was a comforting thought. ❤