One Last Back Rub

 

If someone asked me to describe Heaven in earthly terms, I would say endless cups of hot chocolate, Josh Groban music, cozy blankets and back massages. Those are some of my favorite things that bring comfort, joy and peace. I remain open to the idea that there will be more to Heaven than that, but if it doesn’t contain some version of those things, I am not going to hide my disappointment. 

Like his mother, Luke loved back rubs. It was one of his favorite things. I think it relaxed him, and given that he always had some anxiety, it was probably good for his health too. We would frequently be sitting at home watching a movie or a show and he would snuggle up and want his back rubbed. Or his hair stroked. This sounds like I’m referring to when he was very young and I am, but he also did this when he was older including the night before he died.

I remember this weekend last year. We had gotten into some argument on Saturday, can’t remember what it was about. But it was still weighing on my mind the next day. He said some awful things to us. Our relationship with him at this time was a bit strained. It was one of the things we were working on in therapy. I know he loved us and he knew we loved him, but it was complicated, as relationships with your parents during the teenage years often are. We were supposed to have these check-ins with him every night where we asked him about his day and how he’s doing and try to connect. I often had better luck than Greg, so I did them more often. I made up questions on index cards to help get conversation going, some simple questions and others more thoughtful. I wrote things like “What is your favorite family tradition?” or “What is a talent or skill you wish you had?” I still have those index cards. There were so many we never got to. One time he got the question about his favorite vacation and he answered going to Zion National Park and climbing Angel’s Landing. That was our kids’ first trip to Utah and mostly it was for our oldest to check out BYU campus and see if that’s where she wanted to go to school. I decided last minute to make southern Utah and Zion part of the trip. I’m really glad we did. 

Sunday evening, November 17th, I was sitting on the couch and Luke came over and sat in front of me and asked me to rub his back. We had never really made up from the day before and I admit I was still a bit mad at him. I remember thinking, you really don’t deserve this back rub. Almost immediately I had the thought, just give him the back rub. I decided not to mention anything and just gave him the back rub. As I rubbed his back, I talked to him. We actually had a really good conversation, a heart-to-heart talk. I told him I loved him. Without mentioning the harsh words spoken the day before, all the bad feelings were gone. I just rubbed his back. And played with his hair. He was in heaven. 

I didn’t know that would be the last time I would have that chance. When I saw his body lying in the casket for the last time before the funeral, dressed in his new suit and bow tie we had gotten him for his orchestra concert the week before, knowing these were my last moments to physically be with him, I gently rubbed his shoulders and stroked his hair. I knew he was in Heaven. I also knew that he knew that that was my last way to say I love you. And I’m sure he felt it. 

So my final thoughts on the eve of this first anniversary is forgive their flaws, look past the rough times. See the good in them. Take that vacation. Make happy memories. Give the back rub.